Saturday was the fifteenth, and as you know, a sad monthly reminder. Much has happened in the 7 months that Sean has been gone from us. Sunday was the first board meeting of the Fund, and so I was busy preparing for a meeting and conference call that included 13 people from across the country, so I had no time to put my thoughts to "paper." This past month, we (Sean's family and friends) have been trying to put together a benefit concert in early 2009 to raise awareness of our cause and, of course, to raise money. I would like to address both of these issues...First, awareness: the more I know about bipolar disorder and its co-morbidities, the more I am saddened by how little we know and how limited our interventions are. I am also more aware myself about its incidence; it is a lot more common than I ever knew. The only reason that I can fathom why it flies under the radar screen is embarrassment. I don't think anyone wants to admit that their moods (or those of their loved ones) fluctuate so rapidly, and that ill-defined triggers make them do things they would never want to admit. Add to this the need to control these feelings, and one would have to admit addictions to whatever substance helps them feel in control. Imagine this: a disease that controls your emotions and causes you to act in unacceptable ways, prohibits you from sleeping, causes reckless behavior and addictions. There is no cure and treatment modalities are often unsuccessful, with side effects that crush the only thing about you that you are proud of: your creativity. It causes you to lash out at those you love the most, as you try to hold it together for others who would not understand. The vicious cycle of self-recrimination and sense of hopelessness must be overwhelming. Yet, we have yet to be able to "mainstream" this disorder like we have depression or alcoholism, and it is robbing us of the very souls who bring understanding of feelings to the rest of us through song, writing, art. We need to understand the origins and triggers of this disorder and find ways to help those who are trapped by their own genius. It is at the vey least in our own best interest.About money: this is a subject that I basically abhor. If there were a way to live without it, I would be the first in line. I love what money can do to make life easier and prettier. I love sharing the benefits of having money with those I love (one reason why I often have none). I hate asking for it. I hate tracking it. I hate worrying about it. Nonetheless, without it, this fund, as its name implies would be impotent; thus, things like benefits are necessary and actually, also help with awareness. What I want to say is that I am so touched by the donations that have come in to the fund. I can tell they are heartfelt by the amounts: $20, $10 at a time, sometimes from the same person over and over. These are tough times, and parting with any amount is difficult. You need to know that regardless of the amount, each and every dollar helps and is being guarded carefully to be used as our mission states. I am determined to make a difference in Sean's honor and memory and many of you have become my partners. I cannot thank you enough, and I appreciate every dollar, as Sean would. I treasure your generosity. Without it, the organization will not survive.Finally, I would like to give you an update on the progress of the fund. We, as I said, have just had a very successful first board meeting, and our board members are very impressive. Most impressive of all, is how much they all love Sean. On Sunday, people gathered from all over the country for a conference call that lasted 2 hours. I was so touched by their willingness to give of their time and talent, for no real reward, that I have been crying off an on since. We are just a few weeks away from our 501c3 designation from the IRS, which enables employer matching, etc. This has been an arduous process and is a really big deal for fundraising and credibility. We are in the process of putting together a benefit with incredible talent…a testimony to Sean's impact on icons of the industry. Most significantly to me, we have already recruited several renowned clinical researchers in the field of bipolar disorder. They include PhDs from Berkley, UNC Chapel Hill and Harvard, and their enthusiasm is palpable. It seems that they are looking for a way to bridge research and its application in the real world, and that is the purpose of the Fund. I am hoping to bring Sean's dedication to translating the Blues to every audience to the fund's mission of bringing interventions that are effective and affordable to those who need it most. What good would music be if it never had an audience? What good is knowledge if it cannot reach those in need?I am so proud of Sean. This is a statement that could have been hard for me to make. I come from a family of perfectionists. There was no tolerance for mistakes, or less than the best. I tried not to place that burden on Sean or Bridget, as I have learned that it is unattainable and forever frustrating. I just asked them to be honest and to do their best. I did tell them if they had a talent and didn't use it, it would be a sin. Whatever that talent was, and only to the best of their ability; there was no arbitrary goal. Sean set his sites high on his music and very low on doing the wash! I might cringe at the disorganization, but I accepted it, and told him that I might be able to keep my house neat, but I could never do what he did. So why would I not be proud? Because I judged myself on that standard of perfection: how could I be a good mother and have lost a son this way? Some part of me was embarrassed, and so I am not speaking disparagingly when I talk of the embarrassment of others. Some part of me was angry with Sean. How could he do this to his family? to himself? to me?I have become humbled by Sean. There have been so many people who have written to me to tell me how he touched their lives, not just by his music, but by his very person. I always knew he was a talented musician (although he would be the first to tell you I know virtually nothing about music) ; but, often wondered about his adult life. Sean moved on his own when he was 19 and had his share of ups and downs, and he was never one to shield me from the details. He said it was because he loved me and treated me like a friend. I often wished he would treat me like most sons treat their mothers – keep them in the dark and pretend! He was never one to boast, if anything, Sean doubted how good or likable he was. Well, I was raised with 16 years of Catholic education and am driven by a very active conscience, but I cannot hold a candle to the spirit that Sean shared while he was on this earth. I am embarrassed for myself, that I would care about what others might think who didn't know him or me, really. I now know what is more important- what people who knew him thought of him. My heart swells with such pride. Sean grappled with things that would have defeated a lesser person: social anxiety, panic attacks, low self-esteem, intelligence often beyond his emotional age, talent beyond his years, divorced parents, recurrent illness (both him and me), and a disorder that ate at him from the core. Yet, he accomplished more in 29 years than most do in a lifetime. What he earned that I am most proud of is the love and respect of people from around the world. Every day I am touched as he speaks to me through those who loved him. His love of life, his friends and his craft support me every day.I guess the morals of this story are: I am still learning about Sean; Sean's friends and fans are wonderful, as he always said they were (he was very proud of his friends and fellow musicians) ; Bipolar Disorder does not have to define a person as no disease has to; Life goes on despite heartbreaking sadness, but a person's spirit lives on through the people they have touched and loved. Sean's spirit is still alive to me through you and I will continue to work toward a better future for others who suffer as he did. I wish I could have done this for Sean, but he would have been embarrassed if I had tried. He has left this world with nothing to be embarrassed about.