My struggle with rapid cycling Bipolar Disorder
By Amy Anne Thomas
Although I showed signs of mental illness as young as 2 years of age, my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder came at age 19. I had begun therapy at age 9 and started battling my depression with anti-depressants at the age of 16. Like many that are diagnosed at a young age I went through several phases of both embracing and denying my illness. As young adult I began to educate myself on Bipolar Disorder and went about seeking the perfect combination of medications (assisted by a Psychiatrist of course!) and therapy. Despite being educated on the disease and being very proactive in the management of it, I had still been struggling with severe bouts of depression and mania for about 14 years. Through the years I would have depression episodes lasting from a day to a month with side dishes of mania here and there. In 2006 my cousin and hero Danny, an Army Green Beret was killed in Iraq. Needless to say, my world came crashing down. I was not responding well to my medications which had been a combination of an antidepressant, mood stabilizer, and anxiety medication. I began to self medicate which only aggravated my condition. The years went by and I kept changing Dr.’s and therapists, not understanding why nothing was working for me. Why am I so sad? In the past, despite my illness, I had always been an over achiever and excelled at whatever task I put my mind to, including work. I had always worked for large corporations such as Nordstrom and Estee Lauder Corporation and therefore had excellent health insurance. In the summer of 2011 I was fired from my job as a Store Manager due to my illness (crying at work, sleeping at work after staying up all night manic, etc.) Consequently I lost my health insurance. Now my struggle was not only Bipolar Disorder but also finding proper and affordable care for a single woman without money or insurance. I finally found Highland Rivers in Cartersville, GA. Here I could see a psychiatrist for little to no money and also see a therapist. This was a victory to be sure as it is no easy task to find help, yet I was still struggling with depression and mania. In January of 2012 I attempted suicide (my second attempt) and after I was out of intensive care I was transported to a crisis stabilization unit. I could write a book on my experiences in stabilization units as I have visited them on 5 different occasions starting in January of 2012 and my last admission was earlier this month. 2013 brought about a new year and a new struggle=rapid cycling Bipolar Disorder. I could be full of energy in the morning and then BAM! Depressed by afternoon and then maybe back up and flying high in the evening. I was seeing my Doctor every three months, seeing my therapist weekly, and taking my medications consistently and as prescribed, yet still I was in hell. I noticed that my hospital visits were coinciding with my menstrual cycle; I was tracking my mood on a calendar which I would share with my doctor. Unfortunately, as is the nature of the beast, when you are receiving free mental health services, you are not always given the care you definitely deserve. The Dr. has patients scheduled every 15 minutes, and there are so many people with no income and/or health insurance, and only one doctor. This was becoming increasingly troubling because I was on a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs and unable to get in to see my Dr. for medication adjustments due to schedule unavailability. I cried every single day for almost two years. I did not know myself any more. I began to have a very morbid view on life and even began to frequent a “Rapture Ready” website, praying for the Apocalypse. I was in so much pain and torment that the second coming of Jesus and end of the world seemed like the only thing I might be able to look forward to. I had no joy, and was filled with anger, pain, and negativity. On November 10, 2014 I was transported via ambulance to the emergency room due to a severe episode and bad decision to self medicate with a bottle of champagne and Jack Daniels. I could not handle life, not like this. On the 11th I was transferred to the Highland Rivers Crisis Stabilization Unit in Rome, GA. What’s one more hospital visit and CSU stay? This is now my fifth time, I should be racking up frequent flier miles with the ambulance service! The staff at Highland Rivers CSU were excellent. From the time I arrived, to my departure on the 17th, I was treated with respect, dignity, concern, and was made to laugh on more than a hundred occasions by the loving staff. This, unfortunately, is not always the case in stabilization units, but that is a different tale, this story has a happy ending. Dr. Seal was the Psychiatrist in charge of my care while at Highland Rivers. The first time I met him he immediately recognized that the antidepressants that I had now been taking for almost 17 years were severely aggravating my Bipolar Disorder. He immediately started to taper me off of Paxil. He then added Lithium, changed my mood stabilizer, and increased my dosage of Seroquel. I had not been sleeping well and was having “crazy legs” (uncontrollable need to move your legs around) from the Seroquel. Dr. Seal explained that my dosage of the drug was not high enough and this is why I was having the restless legs and racing thoughts at night. After 4 days under the care of Dr. Seal I was off of my antidepressant and sleeping through the night. My mood significantly improved, I felt alive again! It was like a switch was turned on and the light was shining in and for the first time in 2 years I could feel its warmth. If one of the many doctors who had treated me in the past had thought of this I could have been spared much grief I am sure. But instead of focus on the past and my struggles with Bipolar Disorder, I am choosing to take this victory, a huge one at that, and be grateful, thankful, and finally hopeful for what my future may hold. After years of breaking down, now I am finally breaking through! It has been almost 10 days since my discharge from Highland Rivers CSU. Crybaby, depressed, when is the world going to end Amy is gone. Enter happy, motivated, hopeful, determined Amy. I have my old self back and a new view on life. I am forever grateful to Dr. Seal and the Highland Rivers staff for their role in this life changing experience. There is no cure for Bipolar Disorder. It can be an exhausting and terrifying disease to deal with. But the good news is that is can be managed! Never give up hope and be proactive in your mental health care. In a perfect world, your doctor would know the winning combination of medications that will work best for you. But this is not a perfect world, and sometimes it takes much trial and error to find that magic combo. Stay strong. Pray, hope, laugh, and love often. Just when you think all is lost you may find your light at the end of the tunnel as I have. And never, ever, give up!