I have written a lot about Sean and how wonderful he was as a person and son. All of that is true. I have also chosen to advertise that he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, type II, which is primarily depressive with hypomanic episodes. What does that mean? I have received some odd responses from people who didn't know Sean. Somehow, I get the impression that people thought that he acted crazy, "mentally ill." When you talk about a child being a diabetic, since the presentation and extent of that diabetes may vary from person to person, there is no perception of that person as acting or being one way. When you say that your son was bipolar, there is a stereotype that people seem to apply. If you knew Sean, you wouldn't be able to consider him "mentally ill" in the stereotypical sense. In fact, most people didn't know that Sean had emotional challenges.People who suffer from this disorder and their families know how difficult and exhausting it is, but it is largely a private battle. Most of the time, people act normal. Even in children, they are able to keep it together to avoid being "different" and then decompress at home, typically with their parents. In adults, it would be their partners who might get the brunt of their moods. I read once that a good description of bipolar disorder is getting stuck in periods of depression or anxiety. Everyone has episodes of depression, it's part of the human experience. Most of us feel anxious from time to time: exams, new job, etc. When a person has bipolar disorder, the moods may come more frequently and last longer, often without apparent provocation. It's like a switch gets turned on that can't get turned off. As the mind processes the anxiety, sleep becomes problematic and sleep deprivation just compounds the problems. In a way, it is the brain version of a blood sugar problem. Why do some people's blood sugar stay elevated or plummet? We know that it's insulin; yet, there are some people who do not respond to diet or medications and progress to complications of the disease. Our brain functions just like everything else in our body - chemically. There are pathways that require enzymes, proteins, hormones, etc for the mechanism that controls moods to work properly. While we might know what triggers hyperglycemia (high blood sugar), we are learning what triggers a manic episode. We have a sense of what causes episodic depression, like a death in the family or chronic illness, we don't know how depression functions when someone suffers from mixed mood states. In fact, medications that work for depression often make the person who suffers with bipolar disorder worse.What I'm trying to say is that people who have this diagnosis look just like you and me most of the time. They are bright, engaging, appropriate in most of their interactions (of course, if someone is in an acute manic or depressive state, this would not be true). It is because they act normally in so many ways that the disorder goes undiagnosed for 8-10 years on the average. During that time, since the sufferer wants to be "normal" and there is no one telling them what is going on, they learn to self-medicate. If I'm tired, I drink coffee to get going. If someone is chronically anxious, and there is no intervention, they might drink to calm down or try to sleep. This cycle of anxiety and depression calls for alternate methods to control the symptoms to survive. The result is obvious. Now the person who is bipolar, but has not been diagnosed or given appropriate medical intervention, starts to depend on these substances which bring their own series of complications.For people who are living with these unexplainable mood variations, they know the toll they take on themselves and their loved ones. Like the rest of us, we reveal ourselves to those we trust. Given that they, too, are unprepared to handle what they don't understand, the situation often deteriorates, causing divorces, breakups, family rifts, etc., all the while making the person more and more depressed and hopeless.I knew that Sean was different emotionally from when he was a toddler. He had two moods: funny and engaging, or frustrated. He absorbed every word that was said and responded to music from when he was a baby (Sesame Street Fever being a favorite!). He was bright, quick, adorable, funny and so well loved, and yet, he was so shy that it was debilitating.

At age 3, he was to go to nursery school. He would only be comfortable if he were in "costume" like a cowboy outfit, GI Joe, etc. Nothing was odd looking about it; he was 3 after all. He got sick a lot and missed many days of school, something that continued throughout his lifetime. Because he was in the gifted program and a favorite of teachers and students alike (he was always chosen to play some funny part in plays, etc.) it never occurred to me that he was regrouping... that he needed that time off to be able to function in front of others. If you were to ask his teachers or classmates to describe Sean, they would say: quiet, adorable, smart, creative, polite and well liked. I don't know what Sean would have said about himself, except that he often told me he felt like he didn't fit in.Because I divorced Sean's Dad when he was about 5, Sean and I had a special closeness. (Actually, we always did have kind of a psychic connection.) He would tell me his feelings openly and I tried everything that I could to get him to feel comfortable socializing. I wanted to take him to a counselor when he was about 6 or so, but was advised not to... it would make him feel responsible for the divorce. (Funny, though, I hear Sean's biggest disappointment about the divorce is that we weren't on Divorce Court!! So Sean, to look for something dramatic, while seeming insulated from the emotion. Or, maybe we just did a good job convincing him that it had nothing to do with him....)By middle school, Sean had adopted the guitar as his sidekick and a way to gain access to acceptance. This was in his mind, as he was already well liked and in every way visible, a normal kid. I sensed something totally different. Sean just didn't feel challenged, or that he fit in. There are so many stories of this, most of them humorous. Then around age 12, he befriended boys who liked to get into trouble, and he did with them. Nothing major according to counselors, just normal boy stuff. I didn't see it that way and had him go to counselors, something that continued throughout his life. The thing is, no one recognized a problem. Maybe he was depressed. Maybe he had ADD (he wasn't hyperactive, so ADHD didn't apply). Mostly, they told me he was smart, funny, self-aware and normal. No diagnosis, no intervention, no prevention of what was to evolve.Now we have a 15 year old guitar prodigy singing and writing songs about the blues, and acting as a band leader to people much older than he. Ask any band member, and there was no question who was in charge. His stepdad traveled with him to oversee and protect him, but how do you resolve the emotions of a 15 year old with the intellect that was required to do what he did? Who were his friends? What were they doing on off times? Where did he fit in?I demanded that he finish school and try to keep as normal a life for his age as possible. Given that Johnny Lang was allowed to quit school, I wasn't very popular with Sean. In fact he turned 18 in April, 6 weeks before high school graduation, and told me he was dropping out of school because it was "the nobler thing to do." My response was "it was the stupid thing to do" and I forced him to continue, albeit through home school. If you haven't figured it out yet, life with Sean was amazingly interesting and unbelievably exhausting, and we were very honest about our difference of opinions. He was reading Jack Kerouac and I was taught by nuns and a catechism, as well as a German father. There is no clear path for a person so gifted and concomitantly so variable in self-esteem, energy, vision, feeling of belonging, etc. I just fought to keep him grounded. So many things about the life of a musician and fame are subjective, fleeting and false.The reason why this disease is so dangerous is because it is insidious. You cannot look at someone who is bipolar (unless they are an extreme case and/or in an acute manic state) and recognize them. We all experience ups and downs, and most of them we keep to ourselves or share only with those we love. They are no different. In Sean's case, as in most I assume, he had to keep his anxiety and depressions to himself in order to perform. I know he had panic attacks before every performance. Who would have known once he got on that stage what it took from him to get there? I did, and that knowledge interferes to this day with my being able to enjoy the beauty of his talent. It also caused friction between us, as I would try to get him help just one more time in just one more way. The promises that mental health professionals give and don't keep, the claims that they make for their ability to help, when they fail, just worsen the depression and erode hope for family and their loved one.Sean was funny, hysterically so, entertaining, loving, generous, kind, talented, handsome, empathetic, wise; but, he was also angry, short-tempered, self-deprecating, easily agitated, self-involved, unsure, anxious, sleep deprived, disappointed. In other words, he was just like the rest of us, the difference being the magnitude of these feelings and the length and breadth of their effects. Nonetheless, let us not let anyone call someone with bipolar disorder "crazy" anymore than a diabetic would want to be called lazy or fat or ignorant. Sean needed a correct diagnosis, education about the effects of his diagnosis, ways to retrain his thought processes, effective ways to help sleep issues, medications and/or other interventions to reduce anxiety and relieve depression. This is what this Fund in Sean's name is about. It's about reducing the time that it takes to diagnose by teaching families, friends, teachers, counselors, doctors, how to recognize bipolar disorder before complications of self-medication. It's about giving the sufferer the knowledge to know what is real and what is distorted thinking because of a chemical imbalance. It's about giving every Mom who knows the suffering no one else can see the tools to advocate for the children they adore. It's about removing the stigma of the diagnosis so that people don't hide in shame, fearing that people will think they are crazy.There are some key things that I would want everyone to know:Bipolar Disorder is more genetically linked than any other psychiatric disorder. What does this mean? It means that we need to know the mental health history of our family tree. Who has been known to be depressed? (I believe that alcoholism is a form of depression.) Committed or tried to commit suicide? Have some undiagnosed mental health disorder? Been diagnosed as being bipolar? This is such a huge key to unlocking the correct diagnosis.Bipolar disorder has the highest rate of attempted and successful suicide of all psychiatric disorders. (It is said that people don't want to die. They just want rest. I know that was true of Sean. How so very sad is that?) Given that suicide is one of the leading causes of death in ages 14-21 and bipolar disorder's onset is typically in adolescence, catching it early and applying appropriate interventions might be saving many of our youth, many of which are our best and brightest.There is nothing that will erase the sadness of the loss of a child, regardless of age or reason. It just is a violation of the laws of nature. Old should die before young. There is nothing I would not have done for Sean, and in my capacity, did for Sean. I would, if I could, switch places with him today. There is no joy that doesn't come attached with a feeling of guilt or loss; no occasion that isn't bittersweet. The world is never the same. There is no person who was more loved and cherished than our only son, and his sisters' only brother. If you knew him, you know the hole is immeasurable and eternal.I have exposed Sean's challenges, because the world chooses to concentrate on a person's demons without the context of their life and soul. I also push through the days that remain for me because I have other children whom I believe need to live the remainder of their life with some sense of the world being an okay place. If my view has changed, I at least had 50+ years of hope and optimism. I also know that Sean loved. Anyone who knew him knows that he loved with a passion and with a naivete that spread that joy and love to everyone that he encountered. I believe he would want two things from me if he could ask: (1) that I try to spread his music. It was his life, his meaning, his gift to us. ; and (2) he would want me to help his friends. He didn't like the medical community and often used me to gain entrance and the support he was afraid they wouldn't give him. He was embarrassed and awkward and just couldn't understand why he felt the way he did. His perception was that the medical community would blow him off because he was a musician, didn't make a ton of money and was relatively young. I don't know how much of that is true, but if he believed it, it was true to him. He fought with me, hugged me, pushed me away, helped me, all of those things that kids do to their moms, but he always asked me to help him when he felt like he needed help from the world of doctors and counselors. I think he would want me to help others, and now that I know more than I knew before, and am disappointed and, in fact, angry at their failing him, I cannot escape from helping others in his name.If I could tell someone who suffered as Sean did anything, it would be to learn as much about your challenges as you can and find the best people possible to help. You are not crazy. You are not hopeless. You are loved, I am sure, by so many people. Accept their love and help. There is hope. I am hoping, that through your help and the help of others who contribute to this cause, that the hope will be magnified.Wednesday is my birthday. Sean always said that I turned everything into an extravaganza. I know that I did use every chance I could to celebrate something, as celebrations are too few and far between in our culture. I guess I also sensed that we never know if we will have another opportunity to celebrate. I am so glad that I annoyed him with my extravaganzas. I may be poorer now than some, but look what would have happened if I put it all into an IRA anyway!! At least I have the memories, and when I'm old and probably broke, I will still be able to remember that I helped Sean and Bridget live their dreams... that was my job. Unfortunately, I'm not really up for extravaganzas and hope for a quiet birthday that passes quickly, as I will be waiting for that one phone call.When I despair of this life, as I don't understand much of it anymore, I see this orchid that friends of Sean's gave to me the day he passed. I am horrible with plants!! My ex says that I have a black thumb :) and orchids, well forget it! After it bloomed, nothing was left for almost a year but a stick. I was so tempted to throw it out, but just couldn't (way too sentimental). The other day, it bloomed three gorgeous flowers!! It's hardly believable, especially since it's me who is its caretaker. I have chosen to view this as a sign of life's cycles and that there is rebirth. So, on my birthday, when I blow out my candles, I will be wishing that Sean is in a place where everyone loves his music, where he is playing with Donnie and Nappy and smiling from ear to ear, and where he is at peace with himself. Most of all, I want him to know that I love him, always have, am proud of him, always was, and my only hope is that I will be able to see him again, and maybe, just maybe, if he would come to me in a dream for my birthday. If I can grow an orchid, anything is possible..........