One year has passed. It seems impossible that so many days have gone by and I have not heard Sean’s voice. Of course, he speaks to me at times, at least I hear what he would have been saying to me: “Mom, don’t go there.” “Quit while you’re ahead.” “Hi, Mama, Happy Mother’s Day. I’m on the road and broke and you told me not to get you anything... . I love you.” (the only present I ever wanted.) Nonetheless, the joy of Sean was in the banter. The sage, salient advice. The sarcastic retort. The connection with a soul so smart, so deep, so irreverent. No one could make me as angry (vice versa, for sure!) or laugh so hard. He was at once exhilarating and frustrating; ridiculous and insightful, brash and loving... a wonderful, interesting contradiction.Someone once told me: “See an exhausted parent, see a gifted child.” Sean exhausted me at times, from birth. He didn’t sleep very well at night; napped great during the day - a prelude perhaps to his adult lifestyle. He remembered everything he heard and forgot everything he owned. He excelled academically and hated going to school. He had a lousy immune system and resisted exercise. He loved to perform and was too shy to talk. Sought my help and resented my suggestions. In other words, he was wonderfully complex; life with Sean was never dull. Whether it was a Michael Jackson look alike sliding into a busy kitchen for a command performance, or a sedate young man plucking an acoustic guitar, all the while melting my heart, Sean could always wrangle a smile out of me. This is what I miss, the interaction that kept me on my toes, taught me things I never even dreamed of and made me smile despite myself, as only sons can do!Sean moved out when he was just shy of 19, with a heart full of love for a young talented blues singer and an anticipation of the career he longed for. He was as naive as a nineteen year old is supposed to be. Things didn’t work out as he planned and he came home to regroup. He told me he just wanted to be normal and have friends.Sean experienced a lot of bad breaks and broken promises, things no one could foresee or control. Things that might have soured a lesser person. Sean, however, rebounded each time with that kind heart and a belief in the persons to whom he trusted his heart, which was almost everyone he met who would listen to his music.I saw things in Sean that many others didn’t, simply because I knew him as no one else did. We were very close, as children of divorce often are. That isn’t to say that we didn’t have our differences. I am told many a phone was thrown after a phone call from me!But, make no mistake, when Sean needed help he came home. We took salsa dancing lessons together from his talented girlfriend. We spoke almost everyday when he was on the road, even in Europe. He told me many things his sister told me Moms shouldn’t know. (Trust me, I didn’t always want to know!) My job was to be Sean’s emotional and moral barometer. He came to me when he wanted to be told the right thing to do, at least from my vantage point. He knew that I was incapable of doing anything but that. Catholic school taught me that keeping quiet if there is something wrong, is being complicit with the wrong. Sean and I didn’t always agree, but we respected the other’s right to disagree... at least a day or two later :) With Sean, there was never a grudge. His heart was too big and incapable of carrying a grudge toward anyone.“A kind heart is a fountain of gladness making everything in its vicinity freshen into smiles.”Washington IrvingMy greatest regret as Sean’s Mom is that I was so busy raising kids, working, keeping a house and family that I didn’t have time to savor his gifts. I thought there would be time. Because I was aware of his challenges, I often was distracted by worry or concern. Not to say that I didn’t adore Sean; I loved him more than words could say and defended his right to be different. My brother, myself and Sean’s sister are all Ivy League graduates. Sean didn’t want to go to college and I never minded that he didn’t. He had a gift that I didn’t have and an ability to accomplish something that school could never offer him the opportunity to do. I told him to find what he loved to do and try to get paid to do it. My brother has told me that Sean is the only person he knew that did what he loved. And he so did love. Music, people, his family, friends. Paraphrasing what his good friend, Eddie Tigner, said at his benefit: It seemed that Sean never met a stranger.These past two months have been much harder than I could have imagined. I thought that I had cried so much and suffered through so much emotional pain that I couldn’t possibly hurt as was predicted. I made it through Sean’s anniversary and birthday okay, and crashed the following weekend. I’m sort of fine when I have to put a face on for others. Sean would be embarrassed if I made any kind of scene. I try my best to keep from embarrassing him, or making this about me, if not for him, for his sisters.Then, things fell apart. We got a puppy the weekend after his birthday. I think Glenn really wanted something that would distract us from the losses, and Bridget fell in love with a three month old mutt with the cutest face. Well, that mutt broke through my defenses. All I could think of was: how can I love anything without feeling the hurt of losing Sean? If I keep myself in neutral then I at least will survive. That’s all I was aiming for: surviving. Loving, feeling were out of the question. I cried for an entire weekend and almost took the dog back. If I weren’t so damn responsible, I think I would have.The puppy, whom we’ve named Coop, in honor of Sean’s dear friend, Donnie McCormick and their band “Coop Da Ville” (that name makes me laugh: I can just hear Sean saying DA Ville), managed to capture my heart the first time he licked my face as I was crying. Sean could never stand me to be upset, sick or crying. Maybe he’s a gift from Sean; a reason to get out of bed and something to force me to care.Last week, Glenn and I went to Memphis for the Blues Music Awards, where Sean was nominated in two categories (making three total). I had something prepared to say, sort of. I never memorize anything; I try to speak from my heart in the moment. Nonetheless, I told Glenn that I didn’t think he would win, not because he didn’t deserve it (so many people predicted he would), but because of how the voting usually goes to the old icons. In any case, when his name wasn’t announced as winner, I was relieved. Not because I didn’t have to give a speech; I’m always prepared to perform :) I called Bridget in London in the middle of the night (she was waiting with the phone at the bedside) and told her I was glad. That moment, winning in his category, would have been so important to Sean, it should only have been his. If he had missed that, my heart would have been broken in so many more pieces.Almost irrationally, I came away from Memphis happier than I have been in awhile and the reason is clear to me. Sean didn’t get an award for his talent, but I heard story after story from fans, musicians, and icons of the blues and the music business - everyone I met who knew Sean, and there were many - about how wonderful he was. One man was so excited to see me. He wanted to tell me how much he loved Sean. He told me he had 3 sons, and he would have been happy to call Sean one of them. A better compliment I could not have received.Many people have heard me say that I tried to stay out of Sean’s career. I did. Not because I wasn’t proud, and certainly not because I didn’t love his music. He is my favorite musician of all time. I can’t listen without dancing and smiling (when I’m not crying now, of course). I kept out of that realm to try to keep Sean balanced. In my life I have seen how unfair and political life can be. So many things are beyond our control and many things are subjective and superficial. What lasts and is in our control is our character. I told him that I would be proud if he were a good person more than a famous musician. I came home so proud. Sean kept his heart open and his soul intact and left the imprint on this world of a man who was successful and kind. Hardly a soul can talk about Sean without laughing as he made everything in his “vicinity freshen into smiles.”Sean taught me so much in his lifetime. I wish I had slowed down to learn even more from him. I miss his intelligence, his wit and his curiosity that extended way beyond music. I miss that I might have seen him grow and, as I relaxed in the knowledge that he was okay, I could have learned so much from him. This past month I learned that even when you are close to someone, you don’t always know all there is to know. The reflection of Sean in so many people’s faces this past year has taught me that Sean had his priorities set in the right place. His kind soul lives on in the memories of those he touched and is helping now to teach me to try to be as kind as he was and he shares his love every time someone connects with me because of him. I am so lucky to be his mother.There is nothing more important to me than to know that Sean was loved. You who have communicated how much you loved him to me know who you are. Sean is smiling knowing that you let me know he didn’t disappoint me. Not in Memphis. Not ever.