"The joy of a spirit is the measure of its power." (Ninon de Lencios)There was no more joyful spirit than Sean, and thus, the power he holds over us when all we have left of him is spirit. It is a challenge; the biggest one I'll ever face, ie to be joyful when my spitit feels so lost and confused. There is one thing I do know: Sean would not want us to be sad. He spent his life laughing whenever he could and using whatever means he had to, to get to the place where he could laugh again. It may have taken its toll, but to him, sad was not a place he wanted to stay, nor would he want to leave us there.When Sean was little, he got frustrated easily, so I read him The Little Engine That Could over and over. "I think I can." "I think I can." I used to tell him that can't meant won't. Well, he has taught me a few things along the way. He has shown me that indeed he could. He could do anything he put his mind to. To have accomplished so much without being related to musicians in any way and without compromising his art is amazing. "Love is Amazing" is one of the songs that Sean sang that I have always loved the most. He never recorded it, yet he did it so beautifully that I wonder why it never made the cut. "It's me for you, you for me, together we can do anything we want to do...." I know he felt that way when he was well. He loved his band members and believed they could do anything, And, from what I hear and read, when you played with him, you felt the same way.The numbness of Sean's leaving me is wearing off and I am tempted to give up "If you leave me, I will surely, surely, surely die." Sean had so many ups and downs in his career, and many unlucky breaks, but he didn't give up. He didn't die. He kept on trying. How many musicians have held a band together for 10 years at his age, while being band leader, lead musician, creative force and driver of the van: )? A Handy nomination, gold record, major publication cover, etc, etc. and at all times, Sean was the driving force. He never gave up. When a key band member stranded him in Las Vegas one week before his CD release party, he came home, put a band together, did a radio show on Tuesday and a TV show on Friday, and showed up for that release party and played his heart out one week later, with rented equipment! He was crushed and hurt and confused and disappointed, but he didn't quit. More importantly, I still heard him laugh. Maybe he was down and out inside, but he never let it interfere with his job, passion, his responsibility. He was nothing if not responsible.He taught me that you can love many people and help almost everyone who seeks your help, and never tell a soul. Never brag about your accomplishments, or how many people you loved and loved you. It is such a personal matter and just so much a part of the fiber of your being that there is no need for accolades or self-promotion. He didn't even think about it. He just was.He taught me that family isn't always your own blood; it can just as well be whomever you choose it to be. For him, it was the musicians and fans that became the center of his life and purpose; although, his love of family was always the center of his heart and he wasn't afraid to show it. He always wanted Glenn and me to come to his shows, and if he were in another town, he loved when other family members came.Most importantly, he taught me that one can smile even when they are hurting. Sean's laughter is notorious among those who knew him, and his smile is iconic. We didn't always know how much he was hurting, but instead of basking in his pain, trying to bring others down because he was, he found a way to laugh. This has to be the epitome of unselfishness. Sean largely hid his pain to not bring others down with him, sometimes masking his own urgent need of love and support and direction.So, you see, I am challenged once again by Sean. (He always did challenge me and the status quo!) I want to cry and be sad and let everyone know how sad I am. How can I not be? He left me so I feel that I will "surely, surely, surely die." But I can't/won't. It is not the legacy he has left nor the path he would accept for me or anyone who loved him. He had more courage and spirit than anyone that I have ever known. Given a different set of circumstances, he would be here today playing his heart out and showing us his infamous smile. He would want each of us to do the same in his memory. Sadness is not the legacy he has left us. Kindness is. Generosity is. Forgiveness is. Trying to be better and better is. No Half-Steppin' is: "I've got to keep on going everyday."I have been able to listen to a few of Sean's songs just recently. When I listen to them, I can see his facial expression and the stance with each and every phrase of the song. It's a gift to me, that I can see and hear him as if he were still here. I am blessed with all of the people he loved and who loved him that have been willing to share that love with me. I am blessed with the memories of an adorable and sweet child who always had just a little devil in him, just enough to make me laugh, ok sometimes, be angry. I am blessed with his sisters and Glenn who each have their own memories of this increible being. I just don't know if I am blessed with his resilience, the ability to keep on going, to sing when no on is listening, to smile when hurting. This is the challenge that I now must face. To channel Sean. To laugh even though I'm down. To produce even when I'm exhausted. To love even when I would be justifiably angry.I'm ninety days into my new role and I'm not sure that I have the stuff to make it as far as Sean did in his world. But, I will try because he did, and that's what he would want me to do. Because he left me with "a light that keeps on shining.".... I think I can. I think I can......His spirit is so powerful, it can only be meant to bring us joy.