Holidays are a difficult time for people who suffer with depression and/or anxiety. Expectations are everywhere… Merry, Joy, Happy, etc., etc. Yet, for those who have social anxiety, for example, facing groups can be overwhelming. How, though, can they avoid family during the holiday season without causing problems? I remember one Christmas when Sean wasn’t doing well, that he specifically asked me if people other than family were coming to dinner. I had a habit of inviting anyone who didn’t have a place to go… in-laws visiting, girlfriends, etc. For me, the more the merrier. As he once said, “Mom, you make everything into an extravaganza.” It was partially intentional, and partly personality. I wanted to create memories, and, for some reason, felt that I should take every opportunity to do so. Life seemed fragile to me long before I knew its meaning. Luckily, that year was a family-only Christmas dinner. Even so, after, he asked me if he had been ‘okay,’ ‘good enough.’ He was aware of his feelings (depression, anxiety, awkwardness?), but wanted to be sure it wasn’t noticeable. He didn’t want to be different, or hurt anyone’s feelings. Other than Sean and me, no one even seemed to notice, but to him, it was a difficult and long day. We had a close family. My parents lived in the same neighborhood from when my kids were toddlers. They knocked on our door every night (for some reason, no matter the time, it was always dinner time for us… scheduled we were not !). Everyone knew that Sean could be quiet or shy at times, and they adored him all the same. I guess it would be his spontaneous humor and relentless teasing of his sister that, missing, would be evidence of his mood. Even with loving acceptance of him as he was, he often had to steel himself to face a situation where he needed to be sociable. Many others are not as lucky as Sean was. For some, the gathering of family and/or friends is anything but joyful. It can be downright terrifying. For others, the loss of a family member, or one that is missing (as is too often the case of people with bipolar disorder, especially with addictions), the family feels the emptiness of their absence. For me, that first Christmas without Sean, I struggled… do I hang his stocking, or is that morbid? What about conversations... will talking about him and past Christmas celebrations be too difficult for siblings? With no real answers to an impossible situation, Glenn and I went to London that year. Christmas, at home without Sean, wouldn’t be Christmas. Too many other families face this same dissonance and loss at holidays, but don’t have the ability to escape. Looking back, I’m sure that I often made it more difficult for Sean. "Cheer up!" " Don’t be rude." "What’s wrong?" " Don’t hide upstairs." I interpreted his reticence as controllable moodiness, even brattiness. I expected him to participate with a smile. He wasn’t going to ruin Christmas for everyone else. How many parents/significant others do the same without knowing how difficult it really is for their loved one? In the best of circumstances, holidays are complicated and rarely as ‘joyful’ as we anticipate. In some cases, the family dynamic is overwhelming when wrestling with your own internal issues. In those times, an awkward/ painful scene is often the consequence. This year, I anticipate that things will be trickier for many, many families, with or without challenges of mental illness. The rift between friends and loved ones over the election is unlike normal family jousting over politics. Some people, literally, are no longer speaking. Others can’t control their need to convince why their view is correct. Even if a family is solidly Republican or Democratic, the subject of the election or president-elect is sure to cause a ‘lively’ conversation. When that tension is added to the normal stress of group dynamics, the energy in the room may be too much to handle. What follows can be embarrassing, aggravating or socially unacceptable. If your loved one is missing, find ways to honor whatever your feelings are without guilt. Your grief/sadness is personal and you are entitled to deal with it as you see fit. We are not in a position to judge others, nor them, us. Resentment, anger, etc. ends up hurting us more than its target. Practice compassion for those who do judge, as it’s a reflection of their own insecurities, not you.*So, what can we do, whatever the circumstances, to reduce holiday stress?
Set Realistic Expectations. Expectations often lead to disappointments. If you know that your uncle drinks too much and becomes insulting, don’t expect him to be different this year.
Roll Up the Window. When someone says something irritating, you don't have to respond or react. Pretend there is a window between you, and you can’t hear them. It’s amazing how that control feels so powerful.
Get enough sleep. Holidays can be exhausting, and people get testier then they are tired. In the case of bipolar disorder, mania is a common result, which is a dangerous and disruptive mood.
Pare down everything… gifts, food, visits, parties, drinking, etc., to a level that allows you to enjoy time spent meaningfully.
Practice Understanding. We may not understand a person’s reason for feeling how they do; however, we can honor their right to do so. We may actually learn something.
Practice Gratitude. Grab whatever there is that you can be grateful for. It may just be that it’s a sunny day; or, if someone is missing, be grateful for the time you had, the love you shared.
Understand your triggers. Mine was overdoing the preparation of holiday meals. By the time dinner was served, I was a lot more than touchy. Try to moderate whatever ends up making you awkward, angry or uncomfortable, and when you reach that level, take a deep breath. Sometimes, just being alone for a few minutes resets our mood.
Be Kind. If your loved one has problems with events, noise, crowds, etc., think of ways to celebrate that honors their boundaries…. A quiet weekend after Christmas for them, excusing them from a bigger event, for example.
Forgive yourself and others for anything that didn’t go the way you hoped. People have short memories and most are focused on their own faux pas. If they do enjoy reliving your 'mistake,' best to ignore them anyway. Ridding yourself of people who drain your energy is a great New Year's resolution.
Have fun. Laugh at stories from previous holidays. See who can think of the funniest. Watch a funny movie... Home Alone, The Christmas Story, etc. Play a game... Pictionary, Charades.... whatever takes the mood from cacophony to community.
“We don’t laugh because we’re happy – we’re happy because we laugh.”
This year, especially, it is my wish that we foster Peace on Earth and Goodwill Toward All.
With Wishes for a Balanced and Heartfelt Holiday,
Debbie Costello Smith
*NAMI has produced a video that offers ways to manage both mental and physical health during the holidays in this video.
- See more at: https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/November-2015/Tips-for-Managing-the-Holiday-Blues#sthash.ZevSYEfv.dpuf